A PRELUDE TO A DISCUSSION OF THE WAR
A PRELUDE TO A DISCUSSION OF THE WAR
IN IRAQ: A MESSAGE TO DEFEATOCRATS
by
Ken Eliasberg
In ensuing columns I intend to deal with the war in Iraq in considerable detail. But, by way of a tongue in cheek introduction to the topic, I would like to share an email that I received from a friend. While it is tongue in cheek, it isn’t far off the mark in terms of my assessment of the anti-war (anti-America) left’s reaction to the war on terror, in general, and to the war in Iraq, in particular (which, in my opinon is an entirely appropriate response to, and an integral part of, the War on Terror).
My friend’s email ran as follows:
“The following is a draft of a presidential speech. Wouldn’t it be great if it would be delivered? I [my friend] agree with about 80% of its contents:
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of [the] Iraq regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq! This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now [time] to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraqi conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, China, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon Voyage; Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more that two unpaid parking
tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not p—ing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty—starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska “which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to list 2 above: pick a country and move there. Take care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying,